I've had a couple days to deal with not passing HESI.
I began by feeling like I should jump off a bridge and just die. It was the worst feeling. I literally felt like my life was over. What was I going to do with my life now? I was dealing with my inadequacies as a nurse. I felt like a failure to all my loved ones that were rooting for me. I watched as my dreams of working as a nurse faded away. All the dreams...the wonderful thoughts of making a difference in the lives of others...the thoughts of being a productive member of society...the thought of being able to say I'm a nurse and not just a student. I looked forward to being an adult. I thought about buying something nice for the people that have taken care of me so long. Maybe take my mom out to dinner for Mother's Day and pay for it with my own hard earned money and not the money she gave me...haha. I thought about buying something really nice for Christopher's mom and dad who have always treated me as their own. But that all flew out the window when I finished my HESI test and got my results...I didn't pass.
I was flooded with thought of what I was going to do with my life. For as long as I can remember, this is all I've ever wanted. I never changed majors. I didn't go into this field because of the money or the job outlook, I went into this wanting to do it for what it is...helping others. So does this mean I'm not meant to be a nurse? Or maybe too stupid to be a nurse? What is it?
Well some time has passed since those thoughts and I've moved pass my "Just Kill Me" stage...I moved into the "What can I do now" stage. With the help of Christopher's wise and encouraging words (as well as everyone else's support) I've peeled myself off from the concrete and have gotten up and taken a look around. I've realized that my life is not over. Yeah, I would have loved to have finished my degree already but I am still young, I still can get my BSN. I want this too bad to just take the wimpy way out and say forget it. I'm gonna keep trying. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I think all this will make me a stronger person and a better nurse. One thing is for sure, I will never take advantage of my career when I become a nurse. I am looking into other nursing programs and hoping that someone will let me transfer all the nursing courses that I took at TWU and maybe will give me a degree through their program. I'm starting to look at this from the perspective that this all happened for a reason. Maybe I need a little more schooling to be that Super Nurse that I want to be. Because I don't want to just be a nurse...I want to be the best nurse that I can be (as corny as that sounds...haha)
I still have my sad moments and wishing that things turned out differently but I am learning to deal with the cards I was dealt. I am learning to see that this worked out for the best...even though it is REALLY hard to see that right now.
